


Not So Unattainable

by DilynAliceBlake



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batjokes, Identity Porn, Kinda, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-07 02:16:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 3,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12223695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DilynAliceBlake/pseuds/DilynAliceBlake
Summary: It started because someone recieved a large amount of what could only be hush money.  The Joker kept track of tht sort of thing, because keeping track of what the mob was up to was good for this life expectancy.  He did some sleuthing and scrounged up a rat willing to betray their benefactor for the promise of yet more money.  He was surprised, however, to discover that the mob wasn't the source at all.  Bruce Wayne was hiding something, and went to intriguing lengths to bury it.  When Joker wanted to know, nothing stayed secret for long.





	1. Thou Art a Villain

Michelle "Missy" Patterson came from money but wanted fame.  She had russet skin, green eyes, and was no great beauty.  After years of questionable science and heavy bribery, her research was ready and her platform complete.  
She would have sixty minutes of air time on a big name channel, and if she could draw in the views then that hour would have a weekly recurrence.  
It was clear that none of the higher ups thought she could do it.  Missy, at a very plain thirty-nine, was neither young enough nor pretty enough to fit the bill of a traditional female talk show host.  However, she had lined enough of the right pockets, and was unwaveringly confident in her secret weapon.  
Missy Patterson had created a compound that worked nearly flawlessly as a truth serum.  Now, with a modest studio audience and the best professional film crew she could get her hands on, Michelle was ready to introduce her first guest.  
"Let's have a lovely round of applause for Bruce Wayne!" she enthused, smile wide and teeth straight and pristine white.  Her grin sharpened for an instant to feral as she spotted his mic tucked into the pocket of his jacket.  Michelle had personally slathered it in her honesty concoction.  Now it was merely a matter of time and exposure.  
"Welcome all to Mischief With Missy!  I'm your host, and I have an exciting night in store for all you viewers out there!"


	2. Batman Is Suspicious

"Mister Wayne, you are sitting on a very special couch.  Do you know what it is?"  
The couch that Bruce was sitting on was a monstrosity of orange, blue, and green plaid.  It matched none of the other tasteful red décor on stage, and was eye catching in the worst way.   
"Ugly?" Brue tossed out, and then winced as the audience laughed.  Missy's smile brightened.  
"That, Mr. Wayne, is the Couch of Truth.  No one has ever told a lie on that couch, and I hope you won't be the first to start.  Now, how do you feel about being here?"  
"Well I'm certainly not pleased," Bruce said, then looked surprised at his own admission.  There were scattered giggles from the audience.  "I had every intention of not showing up tonight, but then Alfred chased me out the Manor nagging me about being suspiciously reclusive."  
There was more laughter from the audience, as Bruce began plotting ways to wriggle out of a suddenly dangerous interview.  Unfortunately, most of his plans involved lying.


	3. Bruce Wayne Is Caught

The release of Mischief With Missy had been postponed indefinitely while the entire production team involved waited to see if Bruce Wayne's money could scrounge up evidence of foul play.  Michelle knew they would not.  
Bruce had signed a seamless contract leaving cuts up to the station itself, above even Missy's own head.  Unless Mr. Wayne could convince a judge and jury that he had somehow been drugged and made to tell the truth, the episode would be aired.  
Having consumed nothing from the studio, breathed the same air as everyone else there, and having even tested the couch itself for strange properties with no luck, there wasn't much longer the inevitable could be put off.  
Waking up gagged and tied to a chair in a rundown house when Bruce was running out of time to prove anything put a damper on the day's plans.  Seeing that truly horrendous couch on the screen in front of him, and the joker crouched in a love seat nearby with a TV remote ruined his life's plans.  
"Do you have any idea, Rich Boy, how hard it was to get my hands on this footage?  I'll admit I was intrigued by the whole thing, but now I just think that no one but me can pull off contrasting colors."  
He gestured with flourish to his orange vest and purple suit.  Bruce Wayne paid that no mind.  He had reason to fear the Joker now as he never had before.  
"Let's watch, shall we?" the clown rhetorically snarked, before mashing play giddily.


	4. Fun Ways to Pass the Time

The Joker was not watching because he actually cared about Gotham's gossip mills or what kept them turning.  Plainly put, there was nothing better to do during the time to kill between his kidnapping of Brucie and the Bat's righteous arrival.  
Mostly, the Joker is banking on whatever reason this is evidence to be some entertainment.  
For now, his hostage looks terrified; and when the sun goes down, the bats come out!


	5. Quite the Interview Part I

Questions which had started out innocuous enough quickly crept towards trickery.   
"Is there anything interesting going on with Wayne Industries?"  
Bruce meant to blab boringly about their already well known green energy program, or perhaps the pending pancake mix patent with very little profits attached.  Instead, he told the truth.  
"I'm not very up to date, actually.  I'm mostly just a figurehead for the company; major tasks are delegated.  I usually skim my email before heading into a meeting where all I'm expected to do is smile and nod.  Most of my job is really just to sit there and look pretty."  
This time, the reaction from the audience held a genuine startled note.  Anyone could have guessed that Bruce's role in the company was ornamental, but no one was expecting him to admit it.  
To those who had had their doubts, the interview was starting to look promising.  To Bruce, his suspicions solidified into sure knowledge, and he began to discipline his thoughts into something that blurting out wouldn't cause calamity.  
There was, growing ever more pressing, the knowledge that he should make a hasty retreat.  To do so, however, would cast heavy suspicion.  A less trained mind might not have noticed anything save an increase in impulsiveness.  With the audience watching, the cameras rolling, and a plot afoot, he could do nothing that his playboy persona would not be able to.  
Any "secrets" he revealed would have to be carefully orchestrated to line up with the illusion of Bruce Wayne.  Ideally, no question of his identity would occur.  Bruce could control the flow of the conversation.  He had complete confidence in his abilities.


	6. Quite the Interview Part II

Bruce would have done fine with a question about his love life, women, or even his sex life.  He had been ready for the topic itself to come up.  He was not ready for the phrasing.  
"Are there any rendezvous you've been keeping a secret from the magazines?"  
"Oh yes, quite the plethora of late night meet-ups," Bruce said automatically, and then forced a chuckle.  "All very passionate."  
It was true, he reminded himself.  He struggled not to clarify in any way; determined not to say more.  
"Is there anyone you're particularly drawn to?" Patterson pressed.  
"There's one who certainly stands out," Bruce's voice betrayed; the Joker's macabre smile stretched wide in his mind's eye.  "I'm interested, but try to keep my distance lest things go too far."  
Taunts to kill and wicked laughter haunted Bruce. He refocused his mind, clearing it of the unnecessary chaos.  
"Go too far how?" Missy prompted, a bloodhound with a scent. "What about her do you fear?"  
Image after image flashed through Bruce's mind.  Death, blood, chaos, destruction.  His control tenuous, he latched onto something that might distract.  
"That's rather presumptuous of you."  
"What is?"  
"Assuming he's a girl."  
Gasps and exclamations come from the spectators.  
"Well well, notorious playboy Mr. Wayne!  I'm not sure anyone was aware you swung that way.  Do your usual dates have to sign gag orders and nondisclosure agreements?"  
It was a careful dance he was playing, but the ball was in his field; the question his to interpret.  
"Not at all.  My usual dates are just for show."  
The hostess responded well to the curve ball, and dove at once for juicy bits wherever she could.  
"How do those dates usually end, then?"  There was  twinkle in her eye, and Bruce scrambled as he spoke to arrange his sentences to bury truths.  
"Usually Alfred escorts them out, or I pretend there's an emergency at work and leave."  
"And you go where?  Out to see this mysterious man?  Why don't you want to get too close?"  
Bruce Wayne refuses to be overwhelmed by the barrage of questions.  
"Yes, that is quite often the case.  I try not to spend too much time in his presence because he has a rather... toxic personality, you could say.  Not the sort of upstanding citizen the Illustrious Bruce Wayne should be seen with."  
Bruce almost thought he was getting the hang of lying with the truth.


	7. A Dull Spectacle Until-

From his seat, the Joker does not even pretend disinterest.  He sits with rapt attention, and chuckles at the tangle before him.  Gotham's most notorious womanizer, and most eligible bachelor of every month, and not a single model bedded!  All those desperate women throwing themselves in his path, chasing an orchestrated illusion.  
It was the sort of irony and deceit that really tickled his funny bone.  Joker always suspected that Wayne was hiding something.  No one was that happy being a law abiding goody two shoes.  From here it was bound to get better.  After all, Brucie Bear went to an awful lot of trouble to bury a video wherein all evidence suggested that he could only tell the truth.


	8. It All Came Crashing Down

"But you said he's toxic?" Michelle hounded, bouncing back to the original topic.  Bruce did not dare give a verbal reply, lest it involve Joker Toxin.  Instead, he gave a meek nod, determined to hold out.  
Patterson knew that whatever was about to be divulged could be her big break.  Even if the show got cancelled, she could go down in history with this interview.  Wayne Scandal Revealed!  Missy dropped the gentle probing in favor of going all out.  
"Are there fireworks when you're together?"  Eagerness seeped from her very pores.  
"Explosions," Bruce seemingly corrected, face heating in frustration at the position he'd put himself into.  It was ridiculous, having to phrase his hatred for the Joker in ways that didn't reveal just who he was.  
"There's a lot of chemistry between you two, then?"  
Bruce thought of poisoned blades and bubbling vats.  
"Yes," he paused and though of punches swung in dark alleys.  "We're very physical."  
"Has he met your family?"  
The flash of a crowbar swinging, his son's vacant hypnotized smile.  Bruce cringed at the memories.


	9. See the Pieces

At the comment about physicality the Joker gives a flirtatious wink.  The only thing keeping Bruce from grinding his teeth in annoyance is the wad of cloth stuck in his mouth as a makeshift gag.  Bruce prays the Joker will loose interest soon, before it's too late, but he's never been a man of much godly faith.


	10. Pick Them Up

There was no hiding the grimace that took over Bruce's face.  He tried not to seem too serious, or worse, horror struck.  
"Yes, they've met.  He and my sons fight.  I try my best to keep them away from him, and vice versa.  He isn't the sort of person you'd want around your kids."  Bruce wondered if he'd said too much.  Or perhaps he hadn't said enough.  It was a thin line to tread.  
Not being able to say with any certainty that the Joker was any sort of addict, Bruce settled into the thought that gun powder was most definitely a substance.  
"Misuse of substances," he tagged on, and felt as if the questions would never end.  From every battle from which he emerged victorious, Bruce was one step closer to losing the war.  
None of his children could help him out of this conundrum, considering that even if they knew he was in an interview, they would have know way of knowing he wasn't just attempting to believably ditch the playboy persona.


	11. How Do They Fit Together?

The Joker finds nothing overly scandalous about a billionaire in a relationship with one of the less straight-laced citizens of Gotham.  What is terribly interesting, however, is the pleading look currently taking up residence with torment in the eyes of his less than willing companion.  It tells him that the best is yet to come.


	12. One Slip, Down a Slope

"You've certainly said a lot of bad things about this mysterious someone.  What are some of the good ones?  Tell our audience what you like about him."  
"He's intense, but surprisingly funny," Bruce finds himself saying, much to his own chagrin.  "He's got a wicked sense of humor, and he challenges me like no one else."  
The host gestured for Bruce to continue, and the billionaire's thus far iron will cracked.  
"He's handsome," Bruce said, and didn't even let Patterson take a breath to ask before he elaborated.  
"Big smile, pale, and a very outgoing sense of style."


	13. Hope

There is a click as the Joker pauses the show.  
"You know Brucie," he says, staring blankly straight ahead, "intensity and good humor are both traits I can appreciate."  
Bruce's eyes find the floor.  The Joker is only this bland before some sort of an outburst, and he isn't looking forward to it.  
"And I certainly know how invaluable having someone who understands you can be.  Someone to engage with, to keep the boredom away.  But," the Joker hisses through his teeth, finally turning to lay eyes on his hostage.  "I'm beginning to suspect, Brucie Boy, that I might know what I'm about to hear.  Based on what I know of myself, and what I know of you, there are two possibilities here."  Licking his lips, he continues.   
"Number one.  All of this is one grand coincidence, and I happen to match your type.  I'm not saying you can't have good taste, Brucie.  I've seen your cars.  I'm just not a man who puts much stock into coincidence."  
Bruce can hear his heartbeat, and tries to focus on that instead of how close the Joker has gotten.  A finger traces along his jawline slowly, and an immature part of Bruce wishes he could bite.  He clamps his teeth harder into the gag.  
"Option two," the Joker whispers into his ear, and Bruce shivers.  "Option two is that a certain bat thinks I'm handsome and funny."  
The Joker ungags him, waiting with baited breath to hear a growled argument about objectively handsome and technical truths.  None comes, and the Joker's hands shake as he presses play; any quips long slipped from his mind.


	14. Teasing the Truth

"What about his eyes?" the hostess prompted, "Hair?"  
"His eyes are-" a mantra of 'don't say manic' danced through his consciousness, "-vibrant.  His hair has got some yellow in it, but I wouldn't call it blond."  
Bruce had thought that that one was tricky.  He'd known he barely escaped a reveal by the skin of his teeth.  Surely if the interview went on much longer something would come out.  
"What's his name?" the damned bloodhound asked.  
"I wish I knew," admitted Bruce, thankful that the Arkham file was helpfully labeled Doe, John.


	15. Denial?

"You're fucking kidding me," Joker growls, the screen once again frozen.  The piling similarities certainly goad his resentment to the forefront of his mind.  The Joker is not able to convince himself one way or the other, and hope was a viscous torment.  
His Bats would have no reason to keep playing pretend, sitting there so calmly while his past self lavished his nemesis in compliments.  His Bats would argue fiercely at the mere idea of them being something more than staunch enemies.  Surely that proved that Bruce Wayne was JUST Bruce Wayne.   
The Joker paces, eyes darting between the television set and his house guest.  
"Is it you?!  If it is, why haven't you owned up?  I love word games as much as the next guy, but Bats, if that's you in my fucking chair, TELL ME!" he screams.  With arms on either of the arms Bruce's wrists are strapped to, the Joker leans too close.  
"Stop the video," Bruce barely breathes out, which is not even an answer dammit!  If it is Batman what purpose does toying with the Joker serve?  He's figured him out!  
Unwilling to admit defeat, the Joker plays the show again.  Stupid Bruce Wayne.


	16. Drama On Screen

The audience was on edge at the revelation of Bruce's apparent secret bad boy lover.  
"Do you support his substance abuse problem?" Missy dug.  She meant financially, but Bruce saw an opportunity to salvage his public image.  
"No; I wish he would take to therapy.  I've forced him to go several times as one of the conditions of our relationship."  
Dumping the clown in Arkham at every opportunity was, after all, a corner stone of the foundation on which Batman and Joker's dynamic was built.  For a moment, the ease of that question had Bruce lulled into a false sense of security.  
"Do you think your parents would approve of your relationship?"  
There'd never been any question of his parents' approval of him dressing as a giant bat to dole out vigilante justice to the Gotham criminal underworld.  
"No," Bruce bit out firmly.  It was hardly what they would have envisioned for him, but they weren't around; and that was exactly why Bruce did what he did.  
"Does your butler know about these rendezvous, since he's helping cancel dates to facilitate them?"  
"He disapproves.  Strongly.  We've agreed to keep my personal life separate and out of the mansion.  He insists it's bad for me."  
"Do you think that your meetings with him are bad for you?"  
"No."  
"Do you plan to stop?"  
"Not as long as he keeps inviting me out."  
Invitations, in this instance, taking the form of deaths, carnage, and elaborate life endangering games to lure him into the Joker's strange dances.  
"How," Missy asked, "would you describe your feelings for one another?"  
Bruce had long ago stopped trying to outright lie.  
"Obsessed."


	17. Cornered

The Joker was slumping sullenly on his seat once again.  
"See, now I _know_ you're not my Bats.  Batman would only ever think I'm bad for him.  He thinks I'm bad for everyone.  Won't admit that I'm what this city needs.  That must be a helluva guy you've caught there, Mister Wayne."  
" _Please._   _Don't press play_ ," Bruce muttered, eyes shut as if that might stop the coming train wreck.  If he revealed that he was Batman, the Joker would absolutely watch the entire tape.  
"Yeah, sorry," the Joker scoffs harshly, embittered.  "This is what there is to do until Bats comes to rescue you.  Really, I'm being kind.  I could be torturing you."  
Bruce wants to shout that this _is_ torture.  Instead, a dry laugh escapes him.  Joker would never listen if he demanded to be beaten instead.  The clown was curious by nature, and didn't take orders.  
Damned if he did, damned if he didn't.  Bruce was resigned to his fate.  After all, there was no Batman coming to save him.  
"I should have burned that tape," he mumbles.  
"What, and have no case?" the Joker sasses.  "You wouldn't let some other poor schmoe go up against her.  You're too noble.  That's your problem Brucie.  At least it's a rare one."  
Bruce wishes that the video could stay paused, but it doesn't, and Patterson's voice floats through the dusty air once again.


	18. The Ugly Truths

"Interesting choice."  
"He wants more out of the relationship than I'm willing to give."  
"Frankly, with the failed therapy and your apparent wish to know his name, you seem to want more out of _him_ than _he's_ willing to give away," she counters, successfully implying his hypocrisy.  "One more question, and then we're done," Patterson said.    
She was running out of show time, and the serum itself wasn't exactly permanent either.  
Bruce kept his guard up this time, wary of his relief's ability to distract him from the dangers of the interview.  
"Do you love him?"  
Bruce thought it was an easy enough question.  He had opened his mouth to say "no;" to answer and leave and put the entire disaster behind him, when--  
"Yes."  
Bruce's blood had suddenly felt chilled, his heart frozen.  His body had felt far away.  His mouth had kept moving.  
"He's my soulmate."


	19. Fallout

Bruce sits tensely in his chair as the last question is announced.  The Joker can't seem to get enough air into his lungs when the word "love" comes up.  Finally, Batman's growl escapes Bruce's lips, snarling "yes" in time with the video.  He doesn't repeat the second part of his damning answer; merely watches as the Joker's world is thrown into turmoil.  
"You're-- You love-- You can't-- _He wouldn't_ \--"  
Bruce escapes easily from the chair and ropes that were never meant to restrain Batman.  He prowls forward, stalking and blending with the shadows as only one man can.  
The Joker quivers, backing into a wall and wondering if this will be the moment he dies at the hands of the Batman.  
'If it is,' he thinks, 'it's almost worth it.'  His bat could have escaped at any time, but likely knew that doing so would give him away.  His only chance at retaining anonymity had been staying and hoping the Joker lost interest before figuring out his identity, and then facing his inevitable ire when the Batman didn't show.  
Once Joker put two and two together, the only reason to stay would be because Bruce wanted to be in the room at the last revelation.  Which meant--  
Lips on his and the Joker was lost to bliss.  
"You do love me," he realized, full of wonderment.  He was almost afraid that saying it out loud might make it untrue.  A signature Batman growl, followed by a gentle nip the Joker's ear.  
"That doesn't change anything."  
"It changes _everything_!" Joker hisses back, ecstatic.  
"You're still going to Arkham," Bruce insists sternly.  
"You're going to turn me in wearing civilian clothes?" playful skepticism colors the Joker's tone.  
"...Tomorrow night, then." The Batman concedes.  
"Even so," the Joker dismisses, "that leaves us all of tonight."  
 ** _Bliss_**.


End file.
